Catching Ducks

From season 4:


Tucker: What's your name? [WHAT IS YOUR] NAME?? I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-Pants McCrabby.

Texas: Hey!

Tucker: Well, that's what we call you.

Caboose: Not me! I call you Mrs. McCrabby

Texas: Thanks...?

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season 10, when poor Carolina tried to take the RvB crew on a real mission:


Carolina: Ok, everyone load up. Nav-points are in your huds, alternate navs uploaded to your secondary objective. Sync!

[pause]

Carolina: [impatiently] Sync!

Wash: Oh, right. Everyone, just say "sync" whenever she says that.

Tucker: Oh, uh, "sync"?

Caboose: Refrigerator!

Carolina: Are you guys not used to getting orders?

Grif: We're used to getting them, we just aren't used to doing much with them.

Carolina: We're retreating.

Simmons: Oh! Ok, yeah, that's usually "step one" in most of our plans. Sync!

Caboose: Easy bake ovens.

Carolina: [sigh] Let's just go.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season 9:


pilot: Everybody hold on back there, things are going to get a little, ummm...

Carolina: Bumpy?

pilot: Yeah. Well... I was going to say "crash-y", but yeah, "bumpy" works.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season 1:


[Caboose is driving the tank for the first time.]

Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Caboose: Because it's locked on!

Tucker: Well, unlock it!

Caboose: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Tucker: Oh, right... Keep shooting the jeep, then.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From "Revelation" (season 8):


Sarge: There they are! Land right next to them.

Grif: Right. Land?

Sarge: You do know how to land this vehicle, don't you?

Grif: Sure. That just means stop flying, right?

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From "Reconstruction" (season 6):


Washington: All right, I need suggestions. The Freelancer Command Facility is an underground complex of secured bunkers and fortified chambers. Let's put our heads together and see if we can figure out a way to get in there.

Grif: I have an idea.

Washington: And "let's not do it" is not an acceptable plan.

Grif: Oh. Well you probably should have said that before you asked for suggestions.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From "Holidays 2006":


Grif: Hey, everyone! You know, it's this time of year when our thoughts turn to our family and our friends.

Simmons: That's why we here at Red vs Blue want to wish every one of you a very Merry Chris --

Doc: Hold it right there, guys!

Grif: Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.

Doc: [uncomfortably] Uh, yeah... Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.

Simmons: Offensive? Holidays are awesome! You get tons of Christmas presents, and you get a bunch of candy canes!

Doc: But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to dentists! Or to people who use canes!

Simmons: Huh. I never looked at it that way.

Grif: Oh, come on. I suppose you want us to chicken out and just say "Happy Holidays"?

Doc: Yeah, I don't know. "Holidays" implies "holy". Some people aren't religious at all! Also, the word "happy" might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.

Grif: What?!?

Simmons: He's right, you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.

Doc: Don't say Americans!

Simmons: Oops, right, you're right. Sorry.

[Grif stares at Doc.]

Doc: What? It's a global platform!

Labels: holidays, Red vs. Blue

From season 3:


Church: There's no "I" in team, Grif.

Grif: Yeah, there's no "U", either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From "Indigestion 2004":


[They're discussing Thanksgiving, and Simmons explains what a "turducken" is...]

Simmons: It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.

Grif: Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?

Sarge: Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.

Church: Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.

Sarge: So I decided to make my own variety.

Church: What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?

Sarge: Nope, first we start with a hummingbird. Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.

Grif: Two turkeys?

Sarge: Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.

Church: [pause] Cool. I get a wing.

Simmons: I call the turbine!

Sarge: Alright! Hunker up, boys. Hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?

Church: You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.

Sarge: That's why we're going to deep fry.

Simmons: What was the leopard for?

Sarge: Presentation.

Labels: holidays, Red vs. Blue

From "Recreation":


Sarge: Where is he?

Grif: He's downstairs working on your holographic simulatron, or whatever you call it.

Sarge: Excellent work, Private Grif!

Grif: Wow! Thanks, sir.

Sarge: I'll recommend you for a shiny medal!

Grif: Okay, you're being sarcastic right now, aren't you?

Sarge: Oh, absolutely! Wait -- was your question sarcastic?

Grif: Who knows? Probably? Unless... Wait, are you being sarcastic right now by asking that?

Sarge: Hmmm... Maybe we should drop this conversation.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season two:


[The Reds and Blues are getting ready to exchange the prisoners and robots.]

Church: Prepare for Operation Circle of Confusion.

Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

Church: What?

Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't look like a circle. It kinda looks more like we're forming a triangle.

Church: Okay, fine. Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror. Parabola of Mystery. WHO CARES!? Get the goddamn show on the road!

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From "Right To Remain Silenced" (episode 4.17):


Grif: Who's the prosecution?

Sarge: Well, I am, of course.

Simmons: You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest!

Sarge: I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection!

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season 3:


Church: Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?

Tucker: [groans] Damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.

Church: Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team-killing, you can take that one.

Tucker: Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.

Church: Hey, where's your weapon?

Tucker: You think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday, dude. She took it.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season 5:


Church: Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.

Tucker: What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

Church: She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.

Tucker: Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season two:


Simmons: Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helmet again?

Grif: What? No! [Exhales smoke] Oops.

Simmons: Dammit, I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

Grif: None.

Simmons: ...

Grif: Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.

Simmons: Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?

Grif: By my count? Forty-eight.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season four:


Sarge: Regroup, men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo!

Grif: Uh...

Sarge: Simmons! Pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget!

Simmons: Already on it, sir!

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From "Winter Lames":


[Discussing their version of the Winter Olympics...]

Sarge: I also think we should give medals out to the losers.

Church: You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?

Sarge: Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.

Church: Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season 5:


Simmons: I think there's something wrong with the tank.

Grif: Yeah, I noticed

Simmons: I got an idea.

Grif: Whoa, hold on a second, before you get too deep into this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes our plans and that tank.

Simmons: Come on, Grif. I think it's malfunctioning.

Grif: Well, there's only one part that has to function to turn me into a cloud of orange mist.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From Season 4:


[Church drops off Donut and the unconscious Sarge and Grif]

Church: Okay, Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake them up.

Donut: Well, what do I tell them?

Church: I don't care, tell them you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.

Donut: I always did wanna be a hero... And a liar.

Church: Well, then today's your lucky day.

Labels: Red vs. Blue

From season three:



Tucker: What's going on? Who are you people?

Donut: He has amnesia! Tucker! Don't worry. You are safe. We're the Reds; we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.

Caboose: Tucker! Tucker! I am so glad you are alive.

Tucker: Caboose? Still so dumb, but you look so different.

Caboose: We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

Tucker: The future? Oh, I can't fucking wait to hear this one.

Labels: Red vs. Blue